Speak JESUS

What if God wants us to Rest in his strength when We are weak   ?

 Like, not try to be strong but know that your strong because you rest on the word it self ?

What if God doesn’t want us to understand everything perfectly ourselves but wants us to know that he alone is the definition of understanding  ?

Knowing Jesus is Enough. 

What if  WHAT we SPEAK  in our weakness matters? What if the words that come out of our mouth are strength itself. 

 When we speak STRENGTH we’re not speaking of  a physical doing ; but we’re speaking of a wisdom 

‘Strength’  is not becoming but knowing that Jesus is strength and when you speak Jesus you are strong . 

What if in the midst of fear we speak peace ? 

How does this look like? 

We speak the definition of peace and that is Jesus! Jesus is the prince of peace , he calmed the waves of the ranging seas 

We speak because Jesus spoke the world into existence ,Jesus is the WORD : And when we speak we are doing the word.  

We speak only Christ : 

HIS NAME is UNFAILING & UN-SHAKEN his Name is Faithful and honest 

His Name is wisdom and knowledge, his Name is friend, his Name is comforter and Redeemer 

His Name is father and protector ,his Name is life and truth , he is my saviour and best friend 

His Name is ” Always Good” his Name is Jesus the way the truth and the life , He is my source and my joy. 

He is the AUTHOR and FINISHER of my faith 

He is the first and the last who was and is and IS TO COME . .

Because God so loved the world that he gave his only son,  that whosoever believes in him will not die but have everlasting life.

 His name is ” love ” 

He loves us soo much that he Came to us 

 Love came to heal us , he is the one that came  and reconciled us back to him, through the cross! 

He is the king of kings and the Lord of lords

His words are Spirit and they are life 

 He came to give us life and not to condemn us , he didn’t come to manipulate us but he came to persuade us

Love came to love us he wants us he’s for us and not against us. 

Speak Jesus

Let go..

Forgiveness is not just a religious thing,

It’s for Everyone who wants to be emotionally and spiritually Free

I can choose to replay hurtful scenarios in my mind or I can choose to let it go and forgive for the sake of my well being.

I know its easier said then done but seriously if you think about it , replaying hurtful things in your mind and carrying bitterness everywhere you go – sounds more miserable.

Forgiveness is not a one time thing , it’s a daily process.

Choosing every day to forgive is another step closer to complete freedom .

Forgiving yourself is important too

This is something I struggle with daily .. I am quite hard on myself but all it does is ruin my peace and joy.

All humanity is flawed

We have to understand we are imperfect people..this will give us room to have compassion for ourselves.

I am most compelled to forgive myself and others because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross.

Your security is not based on how well you perform, or how long you remain consistent. Your security is in Jesus.

Remember this new covenant is not about YOU and YOUR faithfulness. It’s a promise that GOD made to GOD. Because he could swear by no one greater, he swore by HIMSELF.

In other words, you’re not the guarantor of this covenant. Jesus is. You are the recipient. The beneficiary.

Now there is a reason to live out a godly life. Because you can rest in your security thanks to your heavenly father .

We forgive because he has forgiven us

We love because he first loved us.

Our forgiveness can waver and change but Gods forgiveness is eternal; forever. He is faithful.

When I think about the pain that people or I brought on myself , my pride wants to get angry and rebel, but I’m encouraging myself today to forgive and look forward.

Forgiveness for the wrong done to us is not a unfair action- But a expression of God’s love and grace.

Forgiveness takes time , it’s a day to day process. Choosing love over hate

Choosing life over death; choosing joy over bitterness

Choosing to live in the moment over living in the past .

Choose to surrender your pain of unforgiveness and you will receive your power back.

Let go .

ONE Day ..

“You know, one day I’ll finally be free and no longer be affected and anchored down by those who deliberately try to hurt me Or put me down, manipulate me and step on my feelings; guilt me; threaten me, make me feel worthless, helpless, useless, antagonize me, or like I am the villain they attempt to make me feel like.

I’m working on it now and even more so, and learning to be assertive and stand up for myself and speak up when needed… Realizing and accepting that words intended to hurt ppl are really just empty efforts, masking deep, unresolved issues inside.

You succumb to your own confirmation biases, your inner demons, you won’t accept it, you don’t work on it, well then you hurt others instead or take it out on them… I will no longer let them take away my power or voice.

I don’t want to compromise myself and let my heart get hardened by others whose hearts have already been hardened.

They need prayers for a wake-up call and change of heart.

As I get older, it’s just getting heavier n heavier to harbor any unforgiveness, anger, resentment, spite and vindictive desires, cursing bad words under my tongue about them,

taking out these issues on other people and their grace 😞 no more, no more… I can’t do it alone. Really do need God- we all do” – Holly saechin

“One day we will all be free from pain & suffering.

People will hurt & betray us but remember everything has a season , not all hurt will last ..

Pain comes and goes ..

Hurt is painful but it does ease with time..

Suffering in any circumstance is frustrating but it will fade..

Loneliness is a dark place until you realize that your never alone ..

There is laughter after mourning

I dont know why some struggle more than others , but what I do know is that “One day I will be free- No more tears and no more pain”.

Until then I will strive and push forward even if it hurts.

Life is beautiful when you know whose you are.

My kids are like the Law (10Commandments)

Why are my children so hard to please?

They’re not supposed to be , right?

I envisioned my kids to be; fun, and easygoing but it’s opposite.

If I mess up , or forget to do something on time for them then I immediately become the ” forgetful mom ” .

The feeling of : I’m not “good” ENOUGH creeps in.

– I feel afraid that one day they’ll just grow up and tell me that I wasn’t a great mom ..

Even though I give them all that they need and sometimes want , It still makes me feel like I fall short. I’m not getting that full acceptance as I hoped for.

It gets me angry because I love them and I want to live in freedom with them .

No judgements No guilt No shaming – just A Love relationship .

Then I had a revelation : could it be friends that this is what it’s like living under the Law ? I’m being held to a perfect standard but I’m falling short ?

In the same way..

Why are you trying to please God with works !? When Jesus has already paid our debt in full!?

Why are there So many “Man made Rules that we’re trying to fulfill only becsuse we hear that’s what saves us ?

People and children need to function out of Love ! They need to function out of a willing heart! not because they have to! or they’re afraid of you! but because they know you love them !! My children don’t have to do anything to earn my love because I already love them no matter what .

Friends, I’ve been living under the law these past 10 years in my walk with God. I’m so sad that the enemy has been lying to me all this time and torturing me convincing me that I’m not good enough . I was trying to please God and earn God’s love by my works but it failed me , I was under heavy guilt daily because :

1. I don’t have a home church

2.I’m not praying enough

3.I’m not witnessing

4. I’m not reading the word enough

5.I have anger problems

6. I’m too bad for God

7. I’m a hypocrite

8. I’m a fake Christian etc….

I was afraid all these years that I wouldn’t make it in to Eternal life because I’m not good enough .. and was convinced that I lost my salvation

But it was a lie! You see, if you try serving God under man’s rules and the Law ..
then you have fallen away from Grace because now your depending on yourself to save you and not Christ!

God has set us free from the Law ! We are saved by Grace through Faith!! salvation is NOT OF OURSELVES so we won’t boast !🙌 I never felt this freedom in my life ! I don’t have to earn my way in to heaven anymore because he’s done it All! I am Sealed with Christ! I believe in the finish work of the Cross! because of my Belief in Jesus I am secure in eternity once and for all. This is Good News

This Is GRACE – unmerrited favor.

You are loved By a God who gave his All for you ! And because of that amazing love I WANT TO SERVE HIM FREELY NO RULES NO LAW JUST RELATIONSHIP ! I am now compelled not to sin because of the great love he has bestowed on us !

When my kids hear that I love them and they Believe that I do- because now I removed the harsh rules and guilty conscience , They will want to respect me and obey me – not because they have to but because they want to out of a love . #MykidsAre Not like the Law! we live our lives under Grace in Christ.

I don’t have to earn my way into salvation I trust in Christs sacrifice for me.

This revelation came thru Jesus Christ a month ago. It was hard ! God is removing the veil of religion that was on my eyes for 10 years!

I am free from all guilt that had me blind. I pray you come to know Jesus our saviour in this way who has paid our debt in full ! We were on our way to hell but Jesus said NO ! because he couldn’t stand the thought to live without us ! And his blood has power to cleanse us from all unrightouesness and give us Grace from day to day.

Romans 10 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved!

Ephesians 2 ⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved,through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 1:13 In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise,

Galatians 3:10 But those who depend on the law to make them right with God are under his curse, for the Scriptures say, “Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey all the commands that are written in God’s Book of the Law.”

Romans 3: 20 Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. 21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Mathew 11:30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Thank you for reading God bless !

My soul is crying.. …

Psalm 131:2 – But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.

…My soul is crying like a newborns cry – the cry of a baby’s unbilicle cord being cut and separated from it’s mother; The feeling ofseparation and loneliness is killing me .

I feel out of breath , my heart is beating fast- I’m so anxious , I’m bitting my nails like I’m 5 years old , I just want to be close to you again to feel your heart beat , to hear your words and feel your love for me. …
But.. No sin came in and cut me away from you ! Distractions and worry came and overwhelmed me AGAIN, it began having it’s way in me.

I’m far from you now and I feel naked and afraid , just like a newborn . Come and restore my spirit.

Everything around me is getting old.. there is truly nothing under the sun that hasn’t happened.

I’m inpatient like a child .. waiting for something new to come … my spirit is fainting needing a refreshing of your holy spirit.

Insecurities rise up in me and try to rule me .. anger and bitterness try to root itself in me. All because I’m distached from my identity.

This is why knowing whose we are is important.

People are not happy today because there lost. There identity is confused. There spiritual unbilicle cord has been cut off by sin and things that are replacing our source of life who is Jesus Christ.

We go searching for our Identity in the wrong things. Even when we know it’s wrong, we get caught up with bad habits and addictions.

I’m sad to say but I’m coming before God once again a mess. I’m needing his grace right now in my life. I can’t live how I want because I instantly feel depressed I immediately go into a battle with tormenting thoughts and emotions that bring me down, I need Jesus desperately, he is the air that I breath. He is my father and my identity.
My prayer ,

I’m broken before you God, crying like a child missing you and needing you, to come help me come back to you . I need to be identified once again. Come and quiet my soul. Hold me close to you and remove all this anxiousness away.

Forgive me for I sinned against you and you only. This life is but a vapor and soon we will all wither and pass away and my one thing I want most is to be told ” well done , my good and faithful servant ” .

Uphold me with your right hand.

You came and spoke to me through my tears … You spoke to me through my breath breathing oxygen in , you let me know that you are close to me and you are holding me. You are what’s keeping me alive.

You speak to your people in mysterious ways, only you can fathom the depths of your greatness. You quieted me with your love and gave me hope again to make it another day. huh

I just want to encourage someone out there to not give up . I felt like giving up tonight but God came through for me , once again. This christian walk is not easy, it’s the hardest. But I can’t give up , I came too far to turn around. I have a lot to work on ! I’m messed up in so many ways but that’s what makes me more vulnerable to come before my God.

There’s days where you just need to cry seriously cry just like a newborn ,, I felt like a baby needing the Lord to come and soothe me , today was one of those nights where I didn’t have words but just tears.

Romans8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

I’m almost 30 years old yet tonight I felt like I was 5 , needing a parent to come and hold me. God knows everything about us and how he needs to speak to us to get us to change or come closer to him, Because he is our father and our Identity. So I’m choosing to trust in him. Hope you do also!

Thank you for reading

#Mommy under Construction

Mommy under construction

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;

I’m still here Lord… do you see me?

I’m still waiting on you Lord , did you forget me? I’m weak and fragile . My faith is fading, come to me.

Do it again Lord, Deliver me , Set me free , set me on the Rock that is higher than I.

Oh, Lord I know you have the power to do so.

I wake up in the morning with a heavy heart , full of yesterday’s baggage.

My heart is overwhelmed with insecurities and Doubt .

Doubt that the Lord can work in my behalf too!

I’m the best at encouraging other’s but when it comes to myself , I’m the worst.

I come downstairs to prepare breakfast for my kids with tears in my eyes as I turn to do the dishes.

do they ever know the true reason why I cry secretly?

Do they know the spiritual battles that im facing in my life? No! Our children don’t understand. They hate seeing me upset all of the time. If I can go back to being a child again I would be free of these tormenting thoughts and feelings I face .

I’m always trying to do what’s right, always trying to make sure I’m not out of line, and in the end I’m left disappointed because I always fail. I wish I was that perfect mom that never gets upset , that mom that replies back in compassion and not in frustration.

I wish that one day would go by without tears in my eyes. I have a full house of people but yet feel so alone.

Do my friends and family think that I really have it together? do they really see me happy when I smile? because that’s not the case.

Behind my smile there’s a aching heart , a heart that feels distant and alone.

Some days I need love and some days I want to be left alone.

Some days I want to conquer the world and some days I watch it fade before my eyes.

Some days I feel alive and some days I feel like I don’t even exist.

My heart ultimately is Anchored in Christ who is the rock ,

My imperfections don’t exclude me from his grace. His grace is sufficient for me.

My mind began to change its thinking…you see we’re all naturally broken people, wanting , seeking, desiring MORE out of life.

Our circumstances and failures don’t disqualify us from his plan. The Lord ALREADY knew that we would go through these battles . Some struggle more than others. Im learning that I dont have to be that PERFECT mom . I’m learning that I’m still being worked on and molded into his likeness.

I’m shifting my focus off MYSELF (I) and looking to other’s who may need someone to look up to, Someone to encourage and bless.

Sometimes we Have to encourage ourselves.

Why are you downcast my soul?!!!

I was downcast and oppressed , because I allowed it.

I decided to STOP fixing the wrong things in my life and left my self to be broken in pieces before the Lord; When I am weak I am Strong.

• Daily I’m reminded that he is my builder and he is constructing me into the Mother and Wife he had called me to be. He is faithful and he will do it again for me. He will deliver me from any oppression that tries to have it’s way in me. Again, this all came from changing the way I think and encouraging myself in the Lord . I pray that you would do the same for he has never failed us and never will. Thank you for reading, God bless

#MommyUnderConstruction.

A Portrait of Grace

The greatest story of love is the story of Jesus Christ. Since the very beginning of the Bible, God has shown His love to man. Even though He requires death as punishment for sin, God promised a redeemer who would come to earth to save mankind. 

There is a story that i want to share with you …

There once was a young girl whose heart was fragile , fragile for the poor,  fragile for the lost , her heart brakes for people in need or hurting. She was very compassionate and sympathetic towards the poor especially. 

Her desire for the lord was one of the things that would stick out to you about her. 

But as all humans she had weaknesses that would come and bring her down.. thoughts of  “you’re not good enough” , “this is too hard for you!  You can’t  live for God!, go back to your old ways” The enemy would come and bring her past up or bring present situations to make her feel guilty . 

It’s Saturday and shes in a rush to get to prayer meeting .. a few days before prayer though ,  this girl felt it in her spirit to encourage her friends in the lord with these words :

 Hey ladies… I deeply feel like we all should try to get together again soon- whether hanging out, prayer/worship night, webcam, or whatever. I know that most of the times our flesh does not want to, but idk… personally for me it’s been a rough and long “week,” and I feel like anyone else including me, has definitely been in our own worlds, playing around with some of the same sins, or just overall fighting some old battles from the past that’s reappearing… we gotta keep the assembly together, to continually try to be here and support each other, uplift, encourage, motivate, and etc… it’s way too easy to let ourselves get caught up with our own worlds, our own lives, our own feelings… and I feel like it’s fake to say all this bc I’ve been doing exactly all this- in my own world, feelings/emotions, sins, etc… and then we come together to praise Jesus and glorify him… but it’s not fake at all… it’s knowing we are broken, need Jesus badly, need each other, and laying it at his feet and giving it to him and remembering that only he is worthy and deserving of ourselves and our worship…and building each other up, too. My flesh says nah, it’s cool. But dude… idk… All I know is that the word says “not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:25 I think. Our days may seem longer, but the days are actually getting shorter. Idk man. I know too many people around me that are/were believers and who knows the truth, but have/are falling away!!!!! It hurts and all these burdens… I miss all of you guys individually and also as a group. Not no cliche or anything, but as a group, team.

Ps we still have a mission to help the homeless. Souls

Her friend’s then reply with a  “YES! Lets continue with prayer meeting this week!” 

So as she’s driving in a rush to get to prayer night .. out of nowhere a traumatic horrible experiance occurs; a homeless man crosses the street, it was evening and in one quick second not looking without a thought   she accidentally hits this homeless man  ! This may seem crazy and questions may arise as to How?! Didn’t she pay attention!? But that wasnt the case at all. I believe God uses the good the BAD and the ugly for his purpose. 

A traumatized girl in shock and despair gets out of the car in panic and rushes to the poor homeless man ..so many thoughts flood her mind not knowing what to do or think.. thoughts come to her mind ; is he ok? Did I hurt him? How did this happen? … 

Thankfully this homeless man is okay !  The girl in panic and with compassion holds his arm and asks if he’s  ok? And if there’s anything hurting him? Thankfully just some minor side pain but nothing serious was wrong!

 Her heart is filled with so much compassion for him and starts apologizing to him , the homeless man was so kind towards her because he truly did see it was a accident and how much she was crying . She then offers him money she had left over $13 and some homeless bags which she coincidentally prepared together weeks before this happened to pass out to homeless people .  

The homeless man did NOT ask for one thing .. or did not threaten her that he will call the police.  He was so humble and kind. They just parted ways knowing that the girl will just drop off some homeless bags to his campsite where he was staying.. ( though he wasn’t relying on anything )..

The girl got back in her car just bawling … trying to process everything that just happened she amazingly thanked God that it wasn’t worse and is astonished that he didn’t want anything or even call the police?  She then calls her good friend to come meet her and to help her drop some bags off to the man .

They meet,  and try from there to go look for this man to give him the homeless bags this is all she could do to repay him for what happened..  but they couldn’t find him .

They began to drive back to the prayer meeting; stating that when its day light tomorrow “we can try to go and look for him”.  

 The good friend in the car receives this beautiful picture that the Lord   placed on her heart for his People all because of the traumatic experience that happened to her friend that night. 

Painted Grace:  

• The homeless man that was hit was a Representation of Jesus ; 

Who is more homeless than a person nailed up on a cross? Jesus had been stripped of his clothes to die in agony, with no home, no possessions, no bank account and hardly a friend within sight. 

Philippines 2:6-7 6Though he was God,^ahe did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.7Instead, he gave up his divine privileges^b;he took the humble position of a slave^cand was born as a human being.When he appeared in human form.

Jesus in no way is poor , but his demeanor is what im talking about. The homeless man was kind and humble and Excuzed the girl for the horrific thing she did of hitting him with the car..just like the story in John 8:10-1110Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”11“No, Lord,” she said.And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

What a God thing to do?! I mean , this homeless man does not have anything! Why would you not want justice or sue her for money? Im sure he could’ve used the money to move up and change his life .

• The homeless forgave her because he seen how aware she was of the awful thing that happened. 

The girl when she ran to him she was a mess and she came before him with all her heart to forgive her . She wasnt passive. Jesus is just like this too ! How can God forgive you if you’re not sorry? There has to be true repentance; a turning away from sin ..all he wants is our hearts ! To recognize our sin before him.  Just like in 1John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

• She deserved punishment 
  

The girl deserved the police to come out and  pay for what she has done… just like us we deserve hell . Ephesians 2:4-54 But God had so much loving-kindness. He loved us with such a great love. 5 Even when we were dead because of our sins, He made us alive by what Christ did for us. You have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving-favor. 

This is Grace!  Un merited Favour !  Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. This is Love !  

God shook us that night , he encouraged us to see that His love for us exceeds our sin! 

He pardoned us and said im not looking at you’re flaws ! This is the story of The cross ! This is the Gospel that we are preaching! 

Luke 23:33-43

When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” 
You and I represent the two criminals on Jesus side we deserve Death but  in all his Mercy he turned to the criminal on the right and in his compassion seeing that the criminal wanted to be with him and believed that he was Jesus the Son of God , he told him “today you will be with me in paradise ” 

 This is what I’m talking about ! the portrait of Grace! he pardoned us because he loved us so much ! what a beautiful picture! Be encouraged and don’t let the things you’ve done separate you from him he has died for us because he wanted to draw Us near to him and his blood washes all our sin away every iniquity and every sickness he paid for it at the cross. Come near to him and give your life to Jesus Christ he is waiting for you.

P.s  I pray that you all are encouraged of the story in this blog.  It is actually a true story . The girl in the story that this happened to was my good friend  .  Aka  Holly saechin

A Portrait of GRACE 

There is power in you’re Breath

It’s you’r breath in my lungs and I pour out my praise I pour out my praise to you only..as long as I have breath I will praise you Lord

Who is man That you are mindful of him? You created the stars and the moon , the rivers and the seas , who are we to boast in ourselves ? You are mighty and rich ..you own it all ! All the Land’s , riches, and houses are all your’s. Great are you Lord.

My teeth are frail and my body is weak ..I’m tired and burdened ..

But I still sing to you !

I still sing because it is you’re breath!

Its youre spirit that’s keeping me! Your Breath in me is power! It gives me strength to know that I have the Almighty’s Breath in me !

When I sing or shout he hears me he sees me and he knows me! I’m alive everyday because you choose to give me Life!.. It’s your breath in my lungs , & I will pour out my praise to you only.

The enemy is attacking homes right now! I felt strongly as I was praying that the enemy is trying to quiet the Christians

The enemy is trying to SHUSH you with fear ! The bigger the attack you’re facing the louder we should get !

He has left his breath in us to sing to him ,to shout unto him !
use it! Its power!

His breath gives us power to speak ! Now is the time to declare we are children of God!

He’s our protector & defender – he fights all our battles.

The enemy goes about seeking who to devour! Stand firm in you’r faith! Now is not the time to coward away ,

Now is not the time to give in to the enemy’s lies !

God wants to raise his church up. Be sensitive to him, because he’s in you, believer !

Make noise and shout Loudly to the Lord when there’s a trial or attack in your family. Sing a song to him , give him praise ! Open the door to victory in your life because its his breath in your lungs!

Conclusion

I was not feeling good this week I was very weak and sick In my body, I couldn’t speak and it happened to be when I was alone that he came to me with his presence and I felt his power touch my body and he started to speak to me these words that I wrote in this blog.. I started to pray with power , his breath that is in me gave me power to speak and pray, because without his breath I would suffocate..I felt as I was interceding for something/someone there are attacks and trials I was praying against.

I just pray that you will be encouraged that if you are facing any attack in you’re life right now whatever it may be that God is there right beside us he is walking through fire with us and through the water and I am saying this to myself also this word is for me also I just want to encourage my friends and so forth whoever reads this that this is the time to stand up and fight back his breath in you is a gift and a sign that you are alive ! That means praise him and fight back with prayer when there is any attack in our life. Because your voice and words have power !

be blessed amen.

In The Valley…

When everything around you is Dark

Nothing is lit , There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

When tormenting thoughts keep replaying in you’re mind & they don’t go away.. They’re just constantly there.

No one around you understands, they are so foreign to it , So you feel more alone.

My cry becomes my food night and day .

Everything is a cycle . I see the same things everyday. All I want is to get better…my hope is in this verse. …

Psalm 139:7-12

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Even in the Dark you are there…

That’s is all I need to know.

Just be with me till I overcome this.

Motherhood,Pregnancy &Rumors

I dont usually blog about my personal self but I decided to do so because I had alot on my heart.

My Pregnancy ,

So, I’m 25 weeks along & been feeling Great ! 

 

I’ve been feeling very tired and hungry ! .. Specifically at night time, I always get the hungriest and will start cooking either breakfast or I’ll just make a sandwich . 😐  This pregnancy, it being my 5th is kinda different. I’m really gaining more weight with this one than I did with my last 4 pregnancies , I also feel very weak in my body and feel no motivation to be active,  even though I know I should .

..pregnancy definitely takes a toll on your body. 

Also , this pregnancy surprisingly has been making me feel antisocial ,I barely make plans,  I just love relaxing at home.

now most of my friends know that that’s not me ! I love being around people and I love getting out there .. But no, this time id rather just be by myself .

I’m also very up and down with my moods ! One second I’m fine & the next I’m someone else. 

I’m trying my best to Balance my moods and not let it affect me but it’s hard. 

Being a mom and a wife is Really a Tough and Emotional Job. 

The things we deal with are very much looked over. I’m either focusing on my bills or my kids.  I’m either feeling like im not spending enough quality time with them , or that I don’t discipline them correctly , 

I’ve been feeling like I’m not the greatest example right now either . I know God loves me just the way I am but I’m in a place where I’m still learning to love who I am and find my calling. Its true when they say that in your 20’s your still figuring out who and what. I never had time to grow up when I married at 14 I was literally a child. All my insecurities, all my lack of knowledge just grew with me. It has affected me as a mother and wife but I can say it’s definitely better now that God is in my life. He is my security and friend when I feel like I’ve fallen short.

Going on though …

I shouldn’t always yell either! That’s  a big one ! I need to learn to stop raising my voice in anger. . Same goes for spending one on one time with my husband.. That’s very  rare in our house…I mean Very Rare -we are always with the kids and work that we leave each other with some time or no time at all. 

I’m balancing house chores, cooking and solving my kid’s problems all at the same time. 

I always cry at night because I wish I was perfect . I wish I was a perfect mother and wife . I wish I would never get angry so quick I wish I would do everything just right . I wish I was more motivated to be more active with my kids .I wish me and my husband had more quality time together, I wish people would not see my flaws or my past but would look at the person that I want to become . 

 At one point I felt like I’m useless just being a stay at home mom but after working for a year and a half 2 years ago it changed my prospective totaly. My kids need me , they are looking for someone to look up to I think that’s very important no matter what people say. 

Which brings me to my last topic Rumors.

You know , I never really had anyone come out and tell me that they don’t like me .

 I never really heard anyone either talk about me… Especially about me being a stay at home mom?

 I know people in general will judge your religion or how you look or your personality Or what you’ve done but never judging you for being a stay at home mom? It just doesn’t make sense? Thinking your lazy because you don’t work and stay home is so off. 

Especially knowing that they’re a mother also. 

Until today … 

Hearing someone say things about you that are false or just not nice is pretty hard. I personally hate feedback from people  because I know I’m flawed I know I’m not perfect . Them confronting you in person is way different though I would take that better. But hearing them behind your back, really hurts people. 

 That really hurt me because that’s not the case at all ! I’m really trying to be the best mom possible and I think a mother is not just a stay at home mom . A mother’s job is 24 /7 never ending . We’re there when they fall and need to get up again we’re there to comfort and encourage . We’re also there to instruct and teach them in the way they should go. I could go on but you get what I’m saying . 

People no matter what will always have something to say .. Even when good things  happen and should be proud ..they  will choose to be negative . 

I hate that I care what people say,  I guess it just shocked me to hear that . I guess a weird part of me just wants to be liked by everyone. Which is impossible. 

I’m choosing to reject rumors ! I have too many blessings that still need to be discovered and I cannot let bittetnes creep in. 

Yea Im venting about it , But I can’t continue to dwell on it. I know who I am and I know who I want to be. 

I’m not perfect but I desire to be the best mom possible . 

The enemy is looking to devour our identity .

  We have to be careful what we let in. 

Let all rumors and bitterness flee . 

Aside all of this . I’m half way there of meeting my baby and I couldnt be happier.

I’m learning to Stick to your calling and don’t back down. I know it hurts when people talk its frustrating but I’m Choosing to not give in to people’s words. 

Its time for changes …. I don’t want to please people anymore but God. I’m coming close to 30 soon and I want to look back on my life knowing I made a difference and didn’t let Peoples words get to Me. I want healthy relationships in my life I want real friendships that can be beneficial to me and vise versa . My dad always said “The only relationship that will last forever (meaning in marriage or friendship) is one whose foundation is on Jesus Christ ” .  

That is so true ! And I need to remember that. It does hurt to know that no matter how much you try you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you . And that’s OK. 

Thank you for letting me share my personal side with you. I hope others can relate to me also.

I’m blessed to be a stay at home mother and even though its chaotic at times I wouldn’t trade my job for anything.  

#BeBlessed