Mommy under construction

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;

I’m still here Lord… do you see me?

I’m still waiting on you Lord , did you forget me? I’m weak and fragile . My faith is fading, come to me. 

Do it again  Lord, Deliver me ,  Set me free , set me on the Rock that is higher than I. 

Oh, Lord I know you have the power to do so. 

I wake up in the morning with a heavy heart , full of yesterday’s baggage. 

My heart is overwhelmed with insecurities and Doubt .

Doubt that the Lord can work in my behalf too!

I’m the best at encouraging other’s but when it comes to myself , I’m the worst. 

I come downstairs to prepare breakfast for my kids with tears in my eyes as I turn to do the dishes. 

do they ever know the true reason why I cry secretly? 

Do they know the spiritual battles that im facing in my life?  No! Our children don’t understand.  They hate seeing me upset all of the time. If I can go back to being a child again I would be free of these tormenting thoughts and feelings I face  .

I’m always trying to do what’s right, always trying to make sure I’m not out of line, and in the end I’m left disappointed because I always fail. I wish I was that perfect mom that never gets upset , that mom that replies back in compassion and not in frustration. 

I wish on Saturday mornings I would wake up early and prepare breakfast and show my kids I’m on top of all my tasks. 

I wish that one day I can go by without tears in my eyes. I have a full house of people but yet feel so alone. 

Do my friends and family think that I really have it together? do they really see me happy when I smile?  because that’s not the case. 

Behind my smile there’s a aching heart , a heart that feels distant and alone. 

Some days I need love and some days I want to be left alone.

Some days I want to conquer the world and some days I watch it fade before my eyes. 

Some days I feel alive and some days I feel like I don’t even exist.  

My heart ultimately desires and wants the Lord. 

I desire to be close to him. 

My imperfections don’t exclude me from his grace. His grace is sufficient for me. 

My mind began to change its thinking…you see we’re all naturally broken people, wanting , seeking, desiring  MORE out of life. 

Our circumstances and failures don’t disqualify us from his plan. The Lord ALREADY knew that we would go through these battles . Some struggle more than others. Im learning that I dont have to be that PERFECT mom . I’m learning that I’m still being worked on and molded into his likeness. 

I’m shifting my focus off MYSELF (I) and looking to other’s who may need someone to look up to, Someone to encourage and bless. 

Sometimes we Have to encourage ourselves. 

Why are you downcast my soul?!!! 

I was downcast and oppressed , because I allowed it. 

I decided to STOP fixing the wrong things in my life and left my self to be broken in pieces before the Lord; When I am weak I am Strong. 

• Daily I’m reminded that he is my builder and he is constructing me into the Mother and Wife he had called me to be. He is faithful and he will do it again for me. He will deliver me from any oppression that tries to have it’s way in me. Again, this all came from changing the way I think and encouraging myself in the Lord . I pray that you would do the same for he has never failed us and never will. Thank you for reading, God bless

#MommyUnderConstruction. 

A Portrait of Grace

The greatest story of love is the story of Jesus Christ. Since the very beginning of the Bible, God has shown His love to man. Even though He requires death as punishment for sin, God promised a redeemer who would come to earth to save mankind. 

There is a story that i want to share with you …

There once was a young girl whose heart was fragile , fragile for the poor,  fragile for the lost , her heart brakes for people in need or hurting. She was very compassionate and sympathetic towards the poor especially. 

Her desire for the lord was one of the things that would stick out to you about her. 

But as all humans she had weaknesses that would come and bring her down.. thoughts of  “you’re not good enough” , “this is too hard for you!  You can’t  live for God!, go back to your old ways” The enemy would come and bring her past up or bring present situations to make her feel guilty . 

It’s Saturday and shes in a rush to get to prayer meeting .. a few days before prayer though ,  this girl felt it in her spirit to encourage her friends in the lord with these words :

 Hey ladies… I deeply feel like we all should try to get together again soon- whether hanging out, prayer/worship night, webcam, or whatever. I know that most of the times our flesh does not want to, but idk… personally for me it’s been a rough and long “week,” and I feel like anyone else including me, has definitely been in our own worlds, playing around with some of the same sins, or just overall fighting some old battles from the past that’s reappearing… we gotta keep the assembly together, to continually try to be here and support each other, uplift, encourage, motivate, and etc… it’s way too easy to let ourselves get caught up with our own worlds, our own lives, our own feelings… and I feel like it’s fake to say all this bc I’ve been doing exactly all this- in my own world, feelings/emotions, sins, etc… and then we come together to praise Jesus and glorify him… but it’s not fake at all… it’s knowing we are broken, need Jesus badly, need each other, and laying it at his feet and giving it to him and remembering that only he is worthy and deserving of ourselves and our worship…and building each other up, too. My flesh says nah, it’s cool. But dude… idk… All I know is that the word says “not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:25 I think. Our days may seem longer, but the days are actually getting shorter. Idk man. I know too many people around me that are/were believers and who knows the truth, but have/are falling away!!!!! It hurts and all these burdens… I miss all of you guys individually and also as a group. Not no cliche or anything, but as a group, team.

Ps we still have a mission to help the homeless. Souls

Her friend’s then reply with a  “YES! Lets continue with prayer meeting this week!” 

So as she’s driving in a rush to get to prayer night .. out of nowhere a traumatic horrible experiance occurs; a homeless man crosses the street, it was evening and in one quick second not looking without a thought   she accidentally hits this homeless man  ! This may seem crazy and questions may arise as to How?! Didn’t she pay attention!? But that wasnt the case at all. I believe God uses the good the BAD and the ugly for his purpose. 

A traumatized girl in shock and despair gets out of the car in panic and rushes to the poor homeless man ..so many thoughts flood her mind not knowing what to do or think.. thoughts come to her mind ; is he ok? Did I hurt him? How did this happen? … 

Thankfully this homeless man is okay !  The girl in panic and with compassion holds his arm and asks if he’s  ok? And if there’s anything hurting him? Thankfully just some minor side pain but nothing serious was wrong!

 Her heart is filled with so much compassion for him and starts apologizing to him , the homeless man was so kind towards her because he truly did see it was a accident and how much she was crying . She then offers him money she had left over $13 and some homeless bags which she coincidentally prepared together weeks before this happened to pass out to homeless people .  

The homeless man did NOT ask for one thing .. or did not threaten her that he will call the police.  He was so humble and kind. They just parted ways knowing that the girl will just drop off some homeless bags to his campsite where he was staying.. ( though he wasn’t relying on anything )..

The girl got back in her car just bawling … trying to process everything that just happened she amazingly thanked God that it wasn’t worse and is astonished that he didn’t want anything or even call the police?  She then calls her good friend to come meet her and to help her drop some bags off to the man .

They meet,  and try from there to go look for this man to give him the homeless bags this is all she could do to repay him for what happened..  but they couldn’t find him .

They began to drive back to the prayer meeting; stating that when its day light tomorrow “we can try to go and look for him”.  

 The good friend in the car receives this beautiful picture that the Lord   placed on her heart for his People all because of the traumatic experience that happened to her friend that night. 

Painted Grace:  

• The homeless man that was hit was a Representation of Jesus ; 

Who is more homeless than a person nailed up on a cross? Jesus had been stripped of his clothes to die in agony, with no home, no possessions, no bank account and hardly a friend within sight. 

Philippines 2:6-7 6Though he was God,^ahe did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.7Instead, he gave up his divine privileges^b;he took the humble position of a slave^cand was born as a human being.When he appeared in human form.

Jesus in no way is poor , but his demeanor is what im talking about. The homeless man was kind and humble and Excuzed the girl for the horrific thing she did of hitting him with the car..just like the story in John 8:10-1110Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”11“No, Lord,” she said.And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

What a God thing to do?! I mean , this homeless man does not have anything! Why would you not want justice or sue her for money? Im sure he could’ve used the money to move up and change his life .

• The homeless forgave her because he seen how aware she was of the awful thing that happened. 

The girl when she ran to him she was a mess and she came before him with all her heart to forgive her . She wasnt passive. Jesus is just like this too ! How can God forgive you if you’re not sorry? There has to be true repentance; a turning away from sin ..all he wants is our hearts ! To recognize our sin before him.  Just like in 1John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

• She deserved punishment 
  

The girl deserved the police to come out and  pay for what she has done… just like us we deserve hell . Ephesians 2:4-54 But God had so much loving-kindness. He loved us with such a great love. 5 Even when we were dead because of our sins, He made us alive by what Christ did for us. You have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving-favor. 

This is Grace!  Un merited Favour !  Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. This is Love !  

God shook us that night , he encouraged us to see that His love for us exceeds our sin! 

He pardoned us and said im not looking at you’re flaws ! This is the story of The cross ! This is the Gospel that we are preaching! 

Luke 23:33-43

When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” 
You and I represent the two criminals on Jesus side we deserve Death but  in all his Mercy he turned to the criminal on the right and in his compassion seeing that the criminal wanted to be with him and believed that he was Jesus the Son of God , he told him “today you will be with me in paradise ” 

 This is what I’m talking about ! the portrait of Grace! he pardoned us because he loved us so much ! what a beautiful picture! Be encouraged and don’t let the things you’ve done separate you from him he has died for us because he wanted to draw Us near to him and his blood washes all our sin away every iniquity and every sickness he paid for it at the cross. Come near to him and give your life to Jesus Christ he is waiting for you.

P.s  I pray that you all are encouraged of the story in this blog.  It is actually a true story . The girl in the story that this happened to was my good friend  .  Aka  Holly saechin

A Portrait of GRACE 

I Almost Let Go

Catch me before I fall! catch me before I turn my back on you! . I’m fragile and No one can help me but YOU! 

Okay! I just have to clear something up, People just don’t understand! You see, when I say I’m a Christian or I bring God up in my conversations or in my posts its not because I have to or its a religion or I was thought this (which I did grew up around church but that wasn’t what changed me) But it’s because God literally did reveal himself to me! and literally changed me!, 
I was a mess and was lost but at 18 years old he came and set me free! I finally found what I’ve needed all along. 

My point in me saying this?  Well, I was about to turn my back on God by giving in to revenge because I was hurt!, I was angry! . I was about to sell out and just live the way I want ! In anger, bitterness and lust .”I dont want to always choose Love”! ” I dont want to keep my mouth shut”! “Especially when I know that person needs to be told the truth” !..

 but something hit me when I was contemplating with my faith…

Why give in and revenge? when God is in control of that breakup  or that person that cheated on you or the person who did you wrong & hurt you, or shunned you ! ? Sometimes the contractions and pain of this life causes you to want a “epidural” a “quick fix” if “I can do this “sin” I’ll get over this pain I’m feeling”..but its not true! Don’t sign that SIN contract before reading the fine print! Don’t do what’s wrong only because you think it’ll “Numb” you’re pain!

Don’t sell out Naomi ,! Because he Never did! He’s still here! He still loves you! no one can satisfy you but him! Remember when you were a mess?,yea well he doesn’t ! Because he cleansed you and made you whole. I know you want to turn your back on God but why? Don’t you want to truly live for him? Don’t you truly love him?,you go to church and desire to serve him and you sing and worship him but yet in your anger You want to sell out?,is Christianity a religion to you?,do you feel like you have to serve Christ?Do you just want to serve him only when you have it good? – well you’re free to do what you want,Don’t just serve God because you feel like you have to ! He gave us a choice because he loves us! And love doesn’t Dominate! he’s not going to push himself on us if we don’t want him. Is your anger bigger than your God ?,is your pain louder than you’re God? Is your confusion too hard for your God ? Is youre trial too much for him? I don’t think so. He’s the creator of Heaven and earth and All things. 

 I’d rather take my chance and believe in you God than risk not believing in you and perishing! Not only that ! But Waite I have proof , you set me free when I was 18! No one couldn’t! but you did! You touched me and since then I’ll never be the same. 

The spirit of Judas is in the air tonight! Do not sell out Jesus Christ for SIN ! Do not blame Jesus for the PAIN you feel or the hurt of you’re past! This is to the true believers I’m talking to ! To The one who professes Christ and was baptized , I see you and know because I’m there! I was about to sell out on my God and walk away from God because of my pain ! But I didn’t ! There can’t be anything else out there Jesus is the way the truth and life . You can try meditation yoga, or any other love religion out there but none can compare to the one true God. 

What melody are you singing ?,and who are you singing it to?,if its for Christ than let it be for Christ ALONE! Dont harmonize with the Devil and God.

Meditate on God! Now is not the time to turn away from your faith!, I was about to fall but you caught me , I was about to turn my back but you stopped me I was about to sing another melody but you gave me a new song for you. I can’t Waite to see you Jesus. 

Even when it hurts I’ll praise you.

Even when it seems like your not there I’ll praise you .

Or when people say “There is no God” I’ll praise you. 

Even when it hurts like hell I’ll praise you.

Even when my hurt is louder than my faith I’ll praise you. 

Even when I’m silent in my trial I’ll praise you.  (hill song lyrics)

Be encouraged . 

Proverbs 14:12 

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. 

 Timothy 4:3-4 

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.

There is power in you’re Breath

It’s you’r breath in my lungs and I pour out my praise I pour out my praise to you only..as  long as I have breath I will praise you Lord

Who is man That you are mindful of him? You created the stars and the moon  , the rivers and the seas ,   who are we to boast in ourselves ? You are mighty and rich ..you own it all ! All the Land’s , riches, and houses are all your’s. Great are you Lord.

My teeth are frail and my body is weak ..I’m tired and burdened ..

But I still sing to you ! 

I still sing because it is you’re breath!

 Its youre spirit that’s keeping me! Your Breath in me is power! It gives me strength to know that I have the Almighty’s Breath in me ! 

When I sing or shout he hears me he sees me and he knows me!  I’m alive everyday because you choose to give me Life!.. It’s your breath in my lungs , & I will pour out my praise to you only. 

The enemy  is attacking homes right now! he’s attacking marriages, finances & relationships .. I felt strongly as I was praying that the enemy is trying to quiet the Christians .. He doesn’t want you to speak or declare Loudly victory over you’re life , The enemy is trying to SHUSH you! The bigger the attack you’re facing the louder we should get !his breath in you he has left to shout unto him to pray and sing unto him!,use it! Its power! His breath gives us power to speak ! I feel that strongly in my spirit ! Now is the time to declare Jesu’s blood over our life .

He’s our defender and he fights all our battles. 

The enemy goes about seeking who to devour! Stand firm in you’re faith! Now is not the time to slack off.Now is not the time to give in to the enemy’s contract ! 
God wants to raise you up. Be sensitive to him. Seek him while he may be found. Make noise and shout Loudly to the Lord when there’s a trial or attack in your family. Sing a song to him , give him praise ! Open the door to victory in your life because its his breath in your lungs!
Conclusion

 writing this message was kind of difficult because I felt unworthy,Like, who am I to speak when I have not been doing great? but I am just so humbled to know that he still is so faithful and he sees my heart’s desire and that is to worship Him and serve him.

 I was not feeling good this week I was very weak and sick In my body, I couldn’t speak and it happened to be when I was alone that he came to me with his presence and I felt his power touch my body and he started to speak to me these words that I wrote in this blog.. I started to pray with power , his breath that is in me gave me power to speak and pray, because without his breath I would suffocate..I felt as I was interceding for something/someone there are attacks and trials I was praying against.  

  I just pray that you will be encouraged that if you are facing any attack in you’re life right now whatever it may be that God is there right beside us he is walking through fire with us and through the water and I am saying this to myself also this word is for me also I just want to encourage my friends and so forth whoever reads this that this is the time to stand up and fight back his breath in you is a gift and a sign that you are alive ! That means praise him and fight back with prayer when there is any attack in our life. Because your voice and words have power !

 be blessed amen. 

In The Valley…

When everything around you is Dark

Nothing is lit , There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. When tormenting thoughts keep replaying in you’re mind ..they don’t go away.. They’re just constantly there.

No one around you understands their so foreign to it So you feel even more alone. My cry becomes my food night and day .

Everything is a cycle . I see the same things everyday. All I want is to get better…my hope is in this verse. …

Psalm 139:7-12

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Even in the Dark you are there…

That’s is all I need to know. 

Just be with me till I overcome this. 

Motherhood,Pregnancy &Rumors

I dont usually blog about my personal self but I decided to do so because I had alot on my heart.

My Pregnancy ,

So, I’m 25 weeks along & been feeling Great ! 

 

I’ve been feeling very tired and hungry ! .. Specifically at night time, I always get the hungriest and will start cooking either breakfast or I’ll just make a sandwich . 😐  This pregnancy, it being my 5th is kinda different. I’m really gaining more weight with this one than I did with my last 4 pregnancies , I also feel very weak in my body and feel no motivation to be active,  even though I know I should .

..pregnancy definitely takes a toll on your body. 

Also , this pregnancy surprisingly has been making me feel antisocial ,I barely make plans,  I just love relaxing at home.

now most of my friends know that that’s not me ! I love being around people and I love getting out there .. But no, this time id rather just be by myself .

I’m also very up and down with my moods ! One second I’m fine & the next I’m someone else. 

I’m trying my best to Balance my moods and not let it affect me but it’s hard. 

Being a mom and a wife is Really a Tough and Emotional Job. 

The things we deal with are very much looked over. I’m either focusing on my bills or my kids.  I’m either feeling like im not spending enough quality time with them , or that I don’t discipline them correctly , 

I’ve been feeling like I’m not the greatest example right now either . I know God loves me just the way I am but I’m in a place where I’m still learning to love who I am and find my calling. Its true when they say that in your 20’s your still figuring out who and what. I never had time to grow up when I married at 14 I was literally a child. All my insecurities, all my lack of knowledge just grew with me. It has affected me as a mother and wife but I can say it’s definitely better now that God is in my life. He is my security and friend when I feel like I’ve fallen short.

Going on though …

I shouldn’t always yell either! That’s  a big one ! I need to learn to stop raising my voice in anger. . Same goes for spending one on one time with my husband.. That’s very  rare in our house…I mean Very Rare -we are always with the kids and work that we leave each other with some time or no time at all. 

I’m balancing house chores, cooking and solving my kid’s problems all at the same time. 

I always cry at night because I wish I was perfect . I wish I was a perfect mother and wife . I wish I would never get angry so quick I wish I would do everything just right . I wish I was more motivated to be more active with my kids .I wish me and my husband had more quality time together, I wish people would not see my flaws or my past but would look at the person that I want to become . 

 At one point I felt like I’m useless just being a stay at home mom but after working for a year and a half 2 years ago it changed my prospective totaly. My kids need me , they are looking for someone to look up to I think that’s very important no matter what people say. 

Which brings me to my last topic Rumors.

You know , I never really had anyone come out and tell me that they don’t like me .

 I never really heard anyone either talk about me… Especially about me being a stay at home mom?

 I know people in general will judge your religion or how you look or your personality Or what you’ve done but never judging you for being a stay at home mom? It just doesn’t make sense? Thinking your lazy because you don’t work and stay home is so off. 

Especially knowing that they’re a mother also. 

Until today … 

Hearing someone say things about you that are false or just not nice is pretty hard. I personally hate feedback from people  because I know I’m flawed I know I’m not perfect . Them confronting you in person is way different though I would take that better. But hearing them behind your back, really hurts people. 

 That really hurt me because that’s not the case at all ! I’m really trying to be the best mom possible and I think a mother is not just a stay at home mom . A mother’s job is 24 /7 never ending . We’re there when they fall and need to get up again we’re there to comfort and encourage . We’re also there to instruct and teach them in the way they should go. I could go on but you get what I’m saying . 

People no matter what will always have something to say .. Even when good things  happen and should be proud ..they  will choose to be negative . 

I hate that I care what people say,  I guess it just shocked me to hear that . I guess a weird part of me just wants to be liked by everyone. Which is impossible. 

I’m choosing to reject rumors ! I have too many blessings that still need to be discovered and I cannot let bittetnes creep in. 

Yea Im venting about it , But I can’t continue to dwell on it. I know who I am and I know who I want to be. 

I’m not perfect but I desire to be the best mom possible . 

The enemy is looking to devour our identity .

  We have to be careful what we let in. 

Let all rumors and bitterness flee . 

Aside all of this . I’m half way there of meeting my baby and I couldnt be happier.

I’m learning to Stick to your calling and don’t back down. I know it hurts when people talk its frustrating but I’m Choosing to not give in to people’s words. 

Its time for changes …. I don’t want to please people anymore but God. I’m coming close to 30 soon and I want to look back on my life knowing I made a difference and didn’t let Peoples words get to Me. I want healthy relationships in my life I want real friendships that can be beneficial to me and vise versa . My dad always said “The only relationship that will last forever (meaning in marriage or friendship) is one whose foundation is on Jesus Christ ” .  

That is so true ! And I need to remember that. It does hurt to know that no matter how much you try you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you . And that’s OK. 

Thank you for letting me share my personal side with you. I hope others can relate to me also.

I’m blessed to be a stay at home mother and even though its chaotic at times I wouldn’t trade my job for anything.  

#BeBlessed

Waiting on you Lord..

​

Wake up spirit man! Wake up you who is powerless and dead,  The spirit who lives today has power to make all things new again , and that Spirit is the one true God who made heaven and earth and all that’s alive, he who called Lazarus to come forth and be raised from the dead! He who split the sea in half so the Israelites can walk through, He who heals and delivers and restores brokenness that is the Spirit who I’m talking about. 

We forget all the time who we are serving. We are serving a living and active God. 

Our world is falling out of order and we are witnesses of it. Our soul’s are dry and on empty looking for a fresh anointing. 

I’m not OK and I won’t be OK living Luke warm for God. My soul desires to worship and seek him. My soul desires to be free and be free indeed. I hate and despise tormenting thoughts everyday and manipulating spirits. I can’t even do nothing without my flesh giving its opinion.  I’m waiting Oh God for your power to fill me. I’m dry and far from you needing to find you again.

Don’t turn away from me. Come to me again. I wrestle day and night with my will to be done. I make my own plans and strategize my own plans. I’m trying to figure out every area of my life , but that just wearies my soul. Oh Lord you are my God even in my disorder and failure. 

Come and make things all new. Fill me with your power again. Bring hope again where it has been dissolved.