My kids are like the Law (10Commandments)

Why are my children so hard to please?

They’re not supposed to be , right?

I envisioned my kids to be; fun, and easygoing but it’s opposite.

If I mess up , or forget to do something on time for them then I immediately become the ” forgetful mom ” .

The feeling of : I’m not “good” ENOUGH creeps in.

– I feel afraid that one day they’ll just grow up and tell me that I wasn’t a great mom ..

Even though I give them all that they need and sometimes want , It still makes me feel like I fall short. I’m not getting that full acceptance as I hoped for.

It gets me angry because I love them and I want to live in freedom with them .

No judgements No guilt No shaming – just A Love relationship .

Then I had a revelation : could it be friends that this is what it’s like living under the Law ? I’m being held to a perfect standard but I’m falling short ?

In the same way..

Why are you trying to please God with works !? When Jesus has already paid our debt in full!?

Why are there So many “Man made Rules that we’re trying to fulfill only becsuse we hear that’s what saves us ?

People and children need to function out of Love ! They need to function out of a willing heart! not because they have to! or they’re afraid of you! but because they know you love them !! My children don’t have to do anything to earn my love because I already love them no matter what .

Friends, I’ve been living under the law these past 10 years in my walk with God. I’m so sad that the enemy has been lying to me all this time and torturing me convincing me that I’m not good enough . I was trying to please God and earn God’s love by my works but it failed me , I was under heavy guilt daily because :

1. I don’t have a home church

2.I’m not praying enough

3.I’m not witnessing

4. I’m not reading the word enough

5.I have anger problems

6. I’m too bad for God

7. I’m a hypocrite

8. I’m a fake Christian etc….

I was afraid all these years that I wouldn’t make it in to heaven because I’m not good enough .. and that I lost my salvation because I “backslid”

But it was a lie! You see if you try serving God under man’s rules and the Law – then you have fallen away from Grace because now your depending on yourself to save you and not Christ!

God set us free from the Law ! We are saved through Grace ALONE AND NOT OF OURSELVES ! I never felt this freedom in my life ! I don’t have to earn my way in to heaven because I am Sealed with Christ! I believe in the finish work of Christ and because of my trusting in Jesus and Belief I am secure in eternity once and for all.

This Is GRACE – unmerrited favor.

You are loved By a God who gave his All for you ! And because of that amazing love I WANT TO SERVE HIM FREELY NO RULES NO LAW JUST RELATIONSHIP ! I am now compelled not to sin because of the great love he has bestowed on us !

When my kids hear that I love them and they Believe that I do- because now I removed the harsh rules and guilty conscience , They will want to respect me and obey me – not because they have to but because they want to out of a love . #MykidsAre Not like the Law! we live our lives under Grace in Christ.

I don’t have to earn my way into salvation I trust in Christs sacrifice for me.

This revelation came thru Jesus Christ a month ago. It was hard ! God is removing the veil of religion that was on my eyes for 10 years!

I am free from all guilt that had me blind. I pray you come to know Jesus our saviour in this way who has paid our debt in full ! We were on our way to hell but Jesus said NO ! because he couldn’t stand the thought to live without us ! And his blood has power to cleanse us from all unrightouesness and give us Grace from day to day.

Romans 10 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved!

Ephesians 2 8 For it is by grace you have been saved,through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 1:13 In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise,

Galatians 3:10 But those who depend on the law to make them right with God are under his curse, for the Scriptures say, “Cursed is everyone who does not observe and obey all the commands that are written in God’s Book of the Law.”

Romans 3: 20 Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. 21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Mathew 11:30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Thank you for reading God bless !

Advertisements

My soul is crying.. …

Psalm 131:2 – But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child  is my soul within me.

…My soul is crying like a newborns cry – the cry of a baby’s unbilicle cord being cut and separated from it’s mother; The feeling ofseparation and loneliness is killing me . 

I feel out of breath  , my heart is beating fast- I’m so anxious , I’m bitting my nails like I’m 5 years old , I just want to be close to you again  to feel your heart beat , to hear your words and feel your love for me. … 
But.. No  sin came in and cut me away from you !  Distractions and worry came and overwhelmed me AGAIN,  it began having it’s way in me. 

I’m far from you now and I feel naked and afraid , just like a newborn . Come and restore my spirit. 

 Everything around me is getting old.. there is truly nothing under the sun that hasn’t happened.  

I’m inpatient like a child .. waiting for something new to come … my spirit is fainting needing a refreshing of your holy spirit. 

Insecurities rise up in me and try to rule me .. anger and bitterness try to root itself in me. All because I’m distached from my identity. 

This is why knowing whose we are is important.  

People are not happy today because there lost. There identity is confused. There spiritual unbilicle cord has been cut off by sin and things that are replacing our source of life who is Jesus Christ.  

We go searching for our Identity in the wrong things.  Even when we know it’s wrong, we get caught up with bad habits and addictions. 



I’m sad to say but I’m coming before God once again a mess.  I’m needing his grace right now in my life. I can’t live how I want because I instantly feel depressed I immediately go into a battle with tormenting thoughts and emotions that bring me down, I need Jesus desperately, he is the air that I breath. He is my father and my identity.  
My prayer ,

I’m broken before you God, crying like a child missing you and needing you, to come help me come back to you . I need to be identified once again.  Come and quiet my soul. Hold me close to you and remove all this anxiousness away. 

Forgive me for I sinned against you and you only. This life is but a vapor and soon we will all wither and pass away and my one thing I want most is to be told ” well done , my good and faithful servant ” . 

Uphold me with your right hand. 

You came and spoke to me through my tears … You spoke to me through my breath breathing oxygen in , you let me know that you are close to me and you are holding me. You are what’s keeping me alive.  

You speak to your people in mysterious ways,  only you can fathom the depths of your greatness. You quieted me with your love and gave me hope again to make it another day. 

 

I just want to encourage someone out there to not give up . I felt like giving up tonight but God came through for me , once again. This christian walk is not easy, it’s the hardest.  But I can’t give up , I came too far to turn around. I have a lot to work on ! I’m messed up in so many ways but that’s what makes me more vulnerable to come before my God. 

There’s days where you just need to cry seriously cry just like a newborn ,, I felt like a baby needing the Lord to come and soothe me ,  today was one of those nights where I didn’t have words but just tears. 

Romans8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

 I’m almost 30 years old yet tonight I felt like I was 5 , needing a parent to come and hold me.  God knows everything about us and how he needs to speak to us to get us to change or come closer to him, Because he is our father and our Identity.   So I’m choosing to trust in him. Hope you do also! 

Thank you for reading 

#Mommy under Construction 


 



My Encounter With Jesus  (My whole  testimony) 

I Decided to write about my Life Story and How I came to Christ so you have a better feel of who I really am. My last one I wrote, got deleted so here it is…..

My Name is  Naomi Ciurar,   I was Born on August 29/1988 in San Bernerdino California .

I remember my early child hood  being a very timid and shy child; Mostly in school. I was so insecure as a child I remember dreading lunch time at school because I wouldn’t know who to sit by .. thankfully my mom arranged my sister to be in the same class as I so we would have each other. 

There was this girl I will never forget in second grade who would always pick on me at school. One point she slapped me across my face in class ; no one really seen , I just turned around like nothing happened I was so shocked and hurt that she would do that. I hated that I never stood up for myself. 

I would walk home from school as usual and when I would get home I would always see my mom on her knees crying and praying. I never understood as a child why she would pray so much but I knew it brought so much comfort.

There was a day I remember when me and my sister played outside and we found this needle that looked like a needle syringe ; we were about  8 and 7 years old had no idea that it was a used drug needle ..( I must add that in San Bernerdino we did live in not a great area. )

 We picked it up and started playing with it.

My mom comes outside and immediately figures out what we were playing with and throws the needle out of our hands and took us inside the house. She took us to the sink to wash our hands and for some reason I began crying. I felt so scared after finding out what we were really playing with , I began worrying of  what will happen to me I thought I was going to ” die”.


I’m just a child remember that . I had my first unexpected encounter with God at that moment . 

My mom got on her knees and began praying , I still today have no clue of why and how I began praying to God asking him to wash my sin away. I mean I was just 7 years old and no one!  not even my mother thought me yet to understand the washing of sins away. I was crying on my knees and praying to God to protect and cleanse me of any harm. I will never forget that day. I seen God’s hand on my life even as a child. 


As I got older I noticed I had a hard time speaking clear..Everytime I would speak, certain words I would feel as They were stuck in my throat and for it to come out I would have to stutter it. 
My sister would always make fun of me, I hated it. It made me even more shut down at school. I had a hard time learning because I never spoke up to ask questions or get involved.

As a adult today stuttering has been something I have to overcome daily. It has put such a hold on me, and has stopped me from alot in my life. I control it well around friend’s and family, but in any spotlight situation or school setting I’m a mess. I get super nervous. It’s one of my flaws I accepted.

Around 11 years old I can say my life was changing. Puberty hit and I was dealing with so many emotions. My mom was there for me but didnt explain to me all these changes it left me curious and anxious .

 I remember receiving a barbie doll as a gift from a family friend and for this personal reason what I’m about to share with  you is why I’m against barbie dolls for my kids. 

I never understood all these hormones I was dealing with as a child and I believe things can be sparked in a negative way if you’re not careful. Even as a child the enemy will attack he doesn’t care how old you are. I began feeling these lustful feelings which at the time I had no clue what they were, but it was everytime I would play with that barbie doll I had bad lustful thoughts and didn’t know how to stop them. This was the beginning of a struggle for me thats quite embarrassing to write about. 

In our romanian community writing or talking about anything lustful or sexual is embaressing and shameful. Its rather not talked about –  as I was growing , I was waiting hoping  for someone to save me or help me, talk to me about these thoughts- I hated them. 

I wanted someone to bring this up ! I felt as if I was the only one going Through it. 

These lustful thoughts for me became a strong hold. 


Sadly I  didn’t quite have a close relationship with my dad as I wanted . I really remember him only disciplining us when we would do something wrong but rarely never shown us love .  It left a emptiness inside, I always longed for attention from someone . 



Around 12 year’s old we moved to Portland, Oregon and that’s when everything changed. My mom and dad started their first Adult care home buisness.

 It was always raining and gloomy, it was pretty depressing . It was pretty hard to adjust. 

 

The time had come when me and my sister started school , we were both in 8th grade . We met our first friend’s in Oregon who we became close with and did everything together. As time passed We became rebellious and defiant  towards our parents.  We put my parents through alot of heartache and worries.  Writing this as a mother now  hurts me. If I can go back to change my attitude I would.  

When I turned 13 year’s old my attitude and anger became bad. My parents were always trying to get me to convert to christianity but it wasn’t my thing . I never cared for it . It was just Not for me.   Up until this point in my life I had so much self esteem issues so much strong holds. I felt too “Bad” for God. I was dealing with unhappiness also. I was trying to find my joy my pleasure in this world and although it was just for a moment , it never truly satisfied me. 

Time had passed and my husband Mario, who was then just a friend of our family , visited portland he also came to visit my family and I.

 We grew up together as young kids so it wasn’t odd that he came over to visit. Durring his stay we began talking and connecting, he then reveals through a friend that he likes me .. I was so excited for some reason . I was always attracted to him . 

As we were dating long distance it became hard not seeing each other daily. I really wanted to be with him. My feelings for him became serious. 

I was still 13 year’s old people ! It’s crazy to think if my daughter who is now 13 years old would go through this .. I can’t imagine. 

I kept myself busy with hanging out with our friend’s and even got in friendships with the wrong crowd .. I became this mean rebellious child who loved going out to night clubs and dancing I also had plans when I was older to just have roommates and party. 

Me and my sister ended up running away from home and was scared to come back home because of what my parents would do to us. We had plenty of opportunities for rape or kidnapping to happen but I believe now that the Lord protected us.. we would go to night clubs with these friends and we would just stare at everyone dance and drink and I would think to myself “I don’t belong here” .. now I don’t know why at that time I said that because Like I said I didnt care about anything christian I had Zero clue about true salvation..But I did hear that voice it was like it was the voice of God telling me that I have something more for you. One night When we were away from home  we drove in a car with gangsters and they were shooting out in empty fields just for fun .. I mean just thinking back now what could’ve happen to us still triggers me, God truly protected us even when we were rebellious and clueless.. I believe it was my parents prayers that kept us. 

I’m ashamed of what we put our parents through! they were worried day and night for 3 days wondering where we were . 

We called our mom and told her we’re starving and asked her to forgive us and if she can pick us up. She did and brought us home and that’s when the punishment began … my dad comes right behind me I didn’t know what he was going to do but he had a scissor in his hand and just chopped OFF my long hair ! I was wearing a long gangster shirt black eyeliner dark lipstick orange colored hair I mean I became this little gangster girl .. my parents had enough of our rebellious acts and had to do the extreme just to settle us… that probably was the worst day ever. 

When mario came to visit again my mom seen that we were serious and I was having a hard time living without him . They brought up marriage… now remember I’m about to turn 14 years old now and My parents are choosing this for me because they were sick and tired of our bad ways and thought if I get married I’ll change my ways and settle down and be serious. 

We got married on May 16 2003 in Reno, CA  I was 14 year’s old

Everything was a mess in the beginning we didn’t have anything and we were struggling. After 2 weeks of me being married I found out I was pregnant! I was having a hard time with the pregnancy because everything was changing and reality hit me and I felt a depression come over me I wasn’t ready to have a child I felt so young and me and Mario had a lot of problems and fights it was really hard being married at a young age I had no clue how to be a wife.

When my first daughter came Larissa she completely changed my life I was the best mom ever! everything came natural to me it was like I was born to be a mother-  but me and Mario were still having a hard time in our marriage there wasn’t any compromising sacrificing there was a lot of selfishness on my part and I still had that rebellious spirit in me I still struggled with the lustful thoughts it became a part of my identity it was who I thought I was, I was a angry person I don’t know why I was just always angry and would have fits of Rage.

When I turn 17 years old I had my second daughter Emily, but before I gave birth to her around 7 months in my pregnancy  I had a problem with my kidney- my right kidney was inflammated- I couldn’t urinate it was so painful my urine was black until I gave birth, it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my whole entire life! it was worse than kidney stones and they had to place a stent in me.. it was pretty bad I never had anything wrong with me  and at that point in my life is when a open door came for God to speak to me.

 you see I was a rebellious closed off to Christianity person I didn’t care about Christians I thought they were prideful they were not my type of people to be around and religion was not my thing at all ! I thought God was too holy to even look unto me but God knows when your time is and he came and spoke to me through someone.

 I received a phone call from a family member telling me that God wants to heal me but I need to repent – I was so confused because I didn’t know how to repent I had no emotion or feeling to come to Jesus at all! I didn’t want to I was so comfortable in my mess that I was too lazy to make any changes. I still got on my knees though but I was clueless I didn’t know how to pray I didn’t know what to say .. all I said was ” I’m  sorry Jesus for all the bad things I’ve done , please take this kidney pain away”.. but nothing changed. 

I was admitted in the hospital because they had to keep an eye on me closely and make sure baby is not affected.

At this time I was having multiple panic attacks – they would just come over me and I would Freak out! I hated them .  At 38 weeks I finally had to get enduced because my kidney problem was not getting better  .

 I  finally delivered Emily, and When she came out she wasn’t breathing-  a whole bunch of doctor’s rushed in – I had no clue what was going on but I did remember my mom who was by my side she began praying for my baby . Shortly after a few moments working on her Emily was breathing perfectly. 

When I was released out of the hospital that’s when reality hit me – I was struggling bad. Still had panic attacks still had fear.. My mother calls me with a dream that she had about me, she dreamt that I died and everyone in my family all sat in a row on the couch with opened bibles. What scared her most in the dream was that I was dead. She told me that I needed to come to Christ and give my life over to him. But this time I was mad when she told me this dream .. I said “leave me alone with your dream I dont care” I told her it’s hard to be christian I dont want to . 

My parent’s decide to do a prayer night at my house and invite everyone from there church 

 My sister was the first one to have a encounter with God . She was crying and shaking ..I was like wow ! Is God real? I wanted that too! I became jealous because I wanted to feel God too! I was praying saying sorry to God but I didn’t feel anything.. I was so sad I was so mad ..I wanted to be changed too. 

My mom sees that after a week  I’m still upset about it so she comes over again with just my friend’s and talks to me about the bible . 

I NEVER OPENED or READ ANY BIBLE VERSES IN MY LIFE up until this point .

My mom reads the first verse : 

And I said.. “Mom what does this verse mean”? She said ” God sees your hunger for him he sees how your longing just like your sister to be touched and he’s going to fill you with him!”.

I said wow okay.. I was happy to hear this. 

Then here comes my life changing moment! 

At 18 years old In my Living Room with my mom and friends and husband around I say a prayer request : That when I Die I know I’ll be in Heaven , annnd TO FEEL THE PRESENCE OF GOD!” NOW when I said the Word PRESENCE! my Both Hands went straight up in the air and I fell to my knees and began Praying words I NEVER PRAYED OR LEARNED BEFORE! 

I SURRENDERED THAT DAY EVERYTHING TO JESUS! I felt His Hands upon my Hands in perfect form! I had sweat dripping down my back , I was on my knees for 3 hours! All my friends were just staring at me like wow what happened! 

I got up after praying and felt filled double the amount I asked for ! I wanted just a little of his presence but because of my hunger He filled me, he fed me, he saturated me. It was such a supernatural encounter I’ll never forget that Day! 

The next day I woke up I had a dream that I had a long white sleeve shirt on with praise words on it like: Hallelujah! I praise you Jesus! Glory!.. it was amazing! 

When I was on my knees that night I want to mention that God DELIVERED ME FROM LUSTFUL DEMONIC THOUGHTS  , ANGER , FEAR, FITS OF RAGE , Stubbornness, depression, panic attacks, I finally had peace! I had joy , love  I had purpose! I felt like yes! this is why I was born to meet Jesus and tell others about this amazing experience! this New desire! A hunger for the Lord was so refreshing to my spirit I finally had hope. 

 I felt like a truly NEW creature! I WAS FREE HE SET ME FREE

This Is why I share my story to Encourage you to come to know him! He is Able and wanting to touch you too! He is waiting! 

Thank you for reading God bless ❤

DEAR BACKSLIDER ..

..I am saddened and grived that I’m writing to you. ..My heart aches and is frustrated with your circumstance . How are you so comfortable in the Devil’s territory? How can you laugh and have a good time in the presence of my enemies who once were your enemies ? You now ignore the things that used to give you life and replaced them with temporary pleasure, Who cannot give you everlasting joy… I’m here waiting for you , with arms wide open,  but all I hear from you is “Not right now God , later ” .

You Once knew of my power and has worked for me with all of your heart and now You traded it for a weak and anemic lifestyle where nothing motivates you anymore , your hope that you once had is gone because you took your eyes off me and looked to yourself. Your candle that was burning so bright for me is now gone because you chose to Believe the lies of the enemy. You once worshipped me with all of your heart and now you worship false idols who can’t hear speak or see. 

Why are you choosing to believe lies? When Jesus is the Way the Truth and the Life ?  He is our mediator! No sin you’ve committed can separate you from his love. Stop ignoring the Holy Spirit and choose to Repent ! Don’t let his voice grow silent ! Keep his voice loud in your spirit. Be sensitive to the spirit of God. Jesus has good plans for you and he can turn any mess in a masterpiece! Stop shaming the name of Jesus Christ! Our God is a Jealous God. 

If you think back to the day you got saved can you really see the hand of God in your life? Was there a supernatural encounter with our Lord?? Has he delivered you from any sin or addictions? Were you truly set free? .. if so than hold on to your testimony because it has power to bring you back to him ! The Holy Spirit who came into you that first day is working in you and making you, and molding you, even Now in your mess ! But you have To LET HIM ! AND TURN BACK TO THE LORD! Don’t stay in your sin ! 

Listen friend’s , I’m not perfect but I desire to be . I want to be right in God’s eyes. Just because trials and temptations come doesn’t mean that we need to throw tantrums , cry and turn away from the Lord. I am real about my struggles and I pray to overcome them. We have to fight the good fight of faith and not turn back to our old lifestyle. 

Don’t bring shame to the name of God! A lot of  unchristian people will see your error and not choose to believe in christ because of the hypocrisy or backslidden life your living. 

 I’m frustrated with certain christians who put their cultures and standards of salvation on other people and tell them that this is the way to Christ. Stop doing this ! It pushes people away. A sister in christ was busy telling me how to look on the outside  for the Lord that she missed the person who was infront of her who was far from the Lord but was touched by the Holy Spirit and was praying . This is sad . Don’t get blinded by appearance that you miss the hungry soul who needs Jesus Christ.

 I have the right to have a say in this because I tried it all.

When I came to Christ I wanted to go above and beyond and do so much for christ because I wanted to prove to show God that I love him that I want to serve him. But Jesus Loved me already I didnt have to prove nothing , he just wanted my heart- So I would put my scarf on  my head and pray in my home I would put my skirt on and wear no makeup, I would do these things because man told me this is the way to salvation .. I was this way for about 4 , 5 years .. but it became a burden for me ..  I understand why they do it though , they all have good reasons why but please dont put your convictions on someone else. 

Let the Lord tell you how to dress Let him convict you. Alot of youth and people choose to turn away from church or God because they find themselves falling short of the standards of man – it becomes a burden for them .and feel not good enough .

I wear makeup and pants but I have No convictions so my conscience is clear before God . I also wear dresses and skirts . I’m free from the fear of man! I used to be so afraid to go out in public with pants because I was scared someone from the church would show up and see me and think I was fallen away. Which I wasn’t… 

Stop WORSHIPING  the religious standards! stop worshiping man made things and rules ! start loving people no matter what. God wants our hearts ! he wants hungry hearts for him! 

When I feel like I want to give up and backslide or If I feel not as good enough like the rest of the Christians who look so perfect, I think Back to when I was 10 years old and how I struggled with sexual and demonic  thoughts . They became a stronghold for me through my teen years and into my marriage and no one could help me or take them away from me. No one knew about my secret lifestyle behind closed doors..the romanian community is tough.. if you do anything wrong they’ll gossip and spread rumors about you.. I felt that way because I would hear that People would say things about me..these thoughts and anger I had, became apart of my identity.. I was a broken little girl in a adult body trying to find myself . My marriage was  also failing and was needing a savior.  I had no experience or encounter with anything supernatural in my life! I was the girl who was very mean hateful and stubborn I never cared for christians or church …but one Day at 18 years old Jesus Christ Supernaturally Touched me in my livingroon ! I prayed words out of my mouth I never prayed for and instantly felt his hands upon my hands! He came to me and He delivered me Because I was hungry ! Get hungry for the Lord again you who is Far away from the Lord! 

 Since that day, he delivered me from all sexual sin and bondage and gave me a new heart.

Remember your calling and who you are in christ! This is why I keep going no matter what or how much I fall or struggle with sin because of this one touch one seed he placed inside of me I will Never be the same! 

Stop wasting time we have a mission to fulfill! Jesus is coming back soon for a spotless bride! 

You have the power to choose! 

Thank you  for reading God bless 

Remember

Psalm 41:12

For troubles surround me – Too many to count, my sins pile up so high I can’t see my out. 


I let myself fall- I left myself  drown in my sin.

I chose pride instead of humbling myself

I’ll never change

I chose revenge instead of waiting for the Lord.

I let myself doubt you.

Help ! I’m backsliding 

I left myself  to wonder, if my faith was just a joke?

Im not good enough 

I let myself stumble , because I chose to “listen” to my feelings and not the truth. 


 I let my  faith  fade. 

I worshipped in vain.

I allowed my lips to speak miracles of you to others -but my heart was from you. 

Worship would only be successful to me if I would cry and feel “something”.

I worshiped in my flesh – instead of in spirit and in truth. 

I let myself forget every promise and truth I’ve ever known about you. 

Worship became a routine- it became a burden. 

I had to make sure I was worshiping the right way, in case someone would see me and think I wasn’t spiritual enough. 

I lost my praise and my focus.

I let thoughts invade my mind that would tell me that my personal walk with God was fake. 

Do I forsake everything I’ve ever known?  Or  try just one more time to get it right. 

But.. why? Why am I doing this?  Who is this for?

Lord, give me a Reason again to sing. 

Give me a Reason again to forgive trust and Believe in you.

But This time  Let it ALL be You!! No religion,no instructions, no pressure , Just YOU!
Only then, I remembered why I should sing again- why I should forgive trust and believe in you…. 

I went Back to when I was 18 years old , when you Lord, delivered me from All sexual sin, from all possesive thoughts ! You delivered me from All my fears! You restored the joy of my salvation! 

You came pursuing me Jesus! Not I ! You searched for me and I will never forget that Day . 

You put a new song in my mouth and you saved my soul from a burning hell , you touched me Lord! I remember your hands were upon my hands,people just dont get why I’m making such a big deal about this, I’m not too emotional this was real!  I remember sweat dripping down my back when I was praying with my hands lifted to you! You were walking with me all this time , you were there when I doubted you and felt hopeless, you were there when No one else was! And Because of this Reason I will continue singing to you , seeking you and serving you. 

The Enemy is A liar. 

 You’re testimony has power! Don’t forget that!  Remember where you came from

#fight


Mommy under construction 

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;

I’m still here Lord… do you see me?

I’m still waiting on you Lord , did you forget me? I’m weak and fragile . My faith is fading, come to me.

Do it again Lord, Deliver me , Set me free , set me on the Rock that is higher than I.

Oh, Lord I know you have the power to do so.

I wake up in the morning with a heavy heart , full of yesterday’s baggage.

My heart is overwhelmed with insecurities and Doubt .

Doubt that the Lord can work in my behalf too!

I’m the best at encouraging other’s but when it comes to myself , I’m the worst.

I come downstairs to prepare breakfast for my kids with tears in my eyes as I turn to do the dishes.

do they ever know the true reason why I cry secretly?

Do they know the spiritual battles that im facing in my life? No! Our children don’t understand. They hate seeing me upset all of the time. If I can go back to being a child again I would be free of these tormenting thoughts and feelings I face .

I’m always trying to do what’s right, always trying to make sure I’m not out of line, and in the end I’m left disappointed because I always fail. I wish I was that perfect mom that never gets upset , that mom that replies back in compassion and not in frustration.

I wish that one day would go by without tears in my eyes. I have a full house of people but yet feel so alone.

Do my friends and family think that I really have it together? do they really see me happy when I smile? because that’s not the case.

Behind my smile there’s a aching heart , a heart that feels distant and alone.

Some days I need love and some days I want to be left alone.

Some days I want to conquer the world and some days I watch it fade before my eyes.

Some days I feel alive and some days I feel like I don’t even exist.

My heart ultimately desires and wants the Lord.

I desire to be close to him.

My imperfections don’t exclude me from his grace. His grace is sufficient for me.

My mind began to change its thinking…you see we’re all naturally broken people, wanting , seeking, desiring MORE out of life.

Our circumstances and failures don’t disqualify us from his plan. The Lord ALREADY knew that we would go through these battles . Some struggle more than others. Im learning that I dont have to be that PERFECT mom . I’m learning that I’m still being worked on and molded into his likeness.

I’m shifting my focus off MYSELF (I) and looking to other’s who may need someone to look up to, Someone to encourage and bless.

Sometimes we Have to encourage ourselves.

Why are you downcast my soul?!!!

I was downcast and oppressed , because I allowed it.

I decided to STOP fixing the wrong things in my life and left my self to be broken in pieces before the Lord; When I am weak I am Strong.

  • Daily I’m reminded that he is my builder and he is constructing me into the Mother and Wife he had called me to be. He is faithful and he will do it again for me. He will deliver me from any oppression that tries to have it’s way in me. Again, this all came from changing the way I think and encouraging myself in the Lord . I pray that you would do the same for he has never failed us and never will. Thank you for reading, God bless

#MommyUnderConstruction.

A Portrait of Grace

The greatest story of love is the story of Jesus Christ. Since the very beginning of the Bible, God has shown His love to man. Even though He requires death as punishment for sin, God promised a redeemer who would come to earth to save mankind. 

There is a story that i want to share with you …


There once was a young girl whose heart was fragile , fragile for the poor,  fragile for the lost , her heart brakes for people in need or hurting. She was very compassionate and sympathetic towards the poor especially. 

Her desire for the lord was one of the things that would stick out to you about her. 

But as all humans she had weaknesses that would come and bring her down.. thoughts of  “you’re not good enough” , “this is too hard for you!  You can’t  live for God!, go back to your old ways” The enemy would come and bring her past up or bring present situations to make her feel guilty . 


It’s Saturday and shes in a rush to get to prayer meeting .. a few days before prayer though ,  this girl felt it in her spirit to encourage her friends in the lord with these words :

 Hey ladies… I deeply feel like we all should try to get together again soon- whether hanging out, prayer/worship night, webcam, or whatever. I know that most of the times our flesh does not want to, but idk… personally for me it’s been a rough and long “week,” and I feel like anyone else including me, has definitely been in our own worlds, playing around with some of the same sins, or just overall fighting some old battles from the past that’s reappearing… we gotta keep the assembly together, to continually try to be here and support each other, uplift, encourage, motivate, and etc… it’s way too easy to let ourselves get caught up with our own worlds, our own lives, our own feelings… and I feel like it’s fake to say all this bc I’ve been doing exactly all this- in my own world, feelings/emotions, sins, etc… and then we come together to praise Jesus and glorify him… but it’s not fake at all… it’s knowing we are broken, need Jesus badly, need each other, and laying it at his feet and giving it to him and remembering that only he is worthy and deserving of ourselves and our worship…and building each other up, too. My flesh says nah, it’s cool. But dude… idk… All I know is that the word says “not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:25 I think. Our days may seem longer, but the days are actually getting shorter. Idk man. I know too many people around me that are/were believers and who knows the truth, but have/are falling away!!!!! It hurts and all these burdens… I miss all of you guys individually and also as a group. Not no cliche or anything, but as a group, team.

Ps we still have a mission to help the homeless. Souls

Her friend’s then reply with a  “YES! Lets continue with prayer meeting this week!” 

So as she’s driving in a rush to get to prayer night .. out of nowhere a traumatic horrible experiance occurs; a homeless man crosses the street, it was evening and in one quick second not looking without a thought   she accidentally hits this homeless man  ! This may seem crazy and questions may arise as to How?! Didn’t she pay attention!? But that wasnt the case at all. I believe God uses the good the BAD and the ugly for his purpose. 

A traumatized girl in shock and despair gets out of the car in panic and rushes to the poor homeless man ..so many thoughts flood her mind not knowing what to do or think.. thoughts come to her mind ; is he ok? Did I hurt him? How did this happen? … 


Thankfully this homeless man is okay !  The girl in panic and with compassion holds his arm and asks if he’s  ok? And if there’s anything hurting him? Thankfully just some minor side pain but nothing serious was wrong!

 Her heart is filled with so much compassion for him and starts apologizing to him , the homeless man was so kind towards her because he truly did see it was a accident and how much she was crying . She then offers him money she had left over $13 and some homeless bags which she coincidentally prepared together weeks before this happened to pass out to homeless people .  

The homeless man did NOT ask for one thing .. or did not threaten her that he will call the police.  He was so humble and kind. They just parted ways knowing that the girl will just drop off some homeless bags to his campsite where he was staying.. ( though he wasn’t relying on anything )..

The girl got back in her car just bawling … trying to process everything that just happened she amazingly thanked God that it wasn’t worse and is astonished that he didn’t want anything or even call the police?  She then calls her good friend to come meet her and to help her drop some bags off to the man .

They meet,  and try from there to go look for this man to give him the homeless bags this is all she could do to repay him for what happened..  but they couldn’t find him .

They began to drive back to the prayer meeting; stating that when its day light tomorrow “we can try to go and look for him”.  

 The good friend in the car receives this beautiful picture that the Lord   placed on her heart for his People all because of the traumatic experience that happened to her friend that night. 

Painted Grace:  

  • The homeless man that was hit was a Representation of Jesus ; 

Who is more homeless than a person nailed up on a cross? Jesus had been stripped of his clothes to die in agony, with no home, no possessions, no bank account and hardly a friend within sight. 

Philippines 2:6-7 6Though he was God,ahe did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.7Instead, he gave up his divine privilegesb;he took the humble position of a slavecand was born as a human being.When he appeared in human form.

Jesus in no way is poor , but his demeanor is what im talking about. The homeless man was kind and humble and Excuzed the girl for the horrific thing she did of hitting him with the car..just like the story in John 8:10-1110Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”11“No, Lord,” she said.And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

What a God thing to do?! I mean , this homeless man does not have anything! Why would you not want justice or sue her for money? Im sure he could’ve used the money to move up and change his life .

  • The homeless forgave her because he seen how aware she was of the awful thing that happened. 

The girl when she ran to him she was a mess and she came before him with all her heart to forgive her . She wasnt passive. Jesus is just like this too ! How can God forgive you if you’re not sorry? There has to be true repentance; a turning away from sin ..all he wants is our hearts ! To recognize our sin before him.  Just like in 1John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

  • She deserved punishment 

The girl deserved the police to come out and  pay for what she has done… just like us we deserve hell . Ephesians 2:4-5But God had so much loving-kindness. He loved us with such a great love. Even when we were dead because of our sins, He made us alive by what Christ did for us. You have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving-favor. 

This is Grace!  Un merited Favour !  Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. This is Love !  


God shook us that night , he encouraged us to see that His love for us exceeds our sin! 

He pardoned us and said im not looking at you’re flaws ! This is the story of The cross ! This is the Gospel that we are preaching! 

Luke 23:33-43

When they came to the place that is called The Skull, they crucified Jesus there with the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” 
You and I represent the two criminals on Jesus side we deserve Death but  in all his Mercy he turned to the criminal on the right and in his compassion seeing that the criminal wanted to be with him and believed that he was Jesus the Son of God , he told him “today you will be with me in paradise ” 

 This is what I’m talking about ! the portrait of Grace! he pardoned us because he loved us so much ! what a beautiful picture! Be encouraged and don’t let the things you’ve done separate you from him he has died for us because he wanted to draw Us near to him and his blood washes all our sin away every iniquity and every sickness he paid for it at the cross. Come near to him and give your life to Jesus Christ he is waiting for you.


P.s  I pray that you all are encouraged of the story in this blog.  It is actually a true story . The girl in the story that this happened to was my good friend  .  Aka  Holly saechin

A Portrait of GRACE